Index title: HCRUZ’s MAR [06-01]

MAR Title: Self-worth

Date of  medical observation: November, 2005

 NARRATION

                         I was with my family at the mall sometime before. I was scrutinizing a particularly attractive piece of belt that I was intent on purchasing as a gift for a friend. When I felt a tap on my shoulder. I whirled around, coming face to face with a middle-aged stranger. Trailing behind her was her entourage. “Sabi ko na nga ba e, si doktora cruz nga. Doktora di mo na ako kilala ano?” I was grinning like an idiot, fueling her suspicion that I have no clue whatsoever who she was. She introduced me to her companions, praising my supposed “prowess” as a doctor. I was flushed with embarrassment. She was magniloquent in portraying how I was the only one able to insert her IV access when others have failed; how I was absorbed in treating her wound; and how I was “brilliant” in my scholarly explanation of her ailment when asked to elucidate her condition.                

                        Apparently, she’d been our patient. A 57-year-old diabetic, who came in for treatment of an abscess located on the thigh. She was hospitalized for four days. True, I was the only one who was able to insert her IV line – against a clerk and an intern! Sure I executed the I & D, and flushed her wound, but just think, how much energy can one expend squeezing the ascepto-syringe, right? You merely aim and take your best shot; when you’ve squirted enough, pack the site and you’re out of there! And the scholarly savoir-faire!? It’s overrated. You don’t have to be Einstein to know an abscess when you see one. Let alone explain to an old lady, who by the way is not medically-inclined, the patho-physiology of an abscess pitched with various scientific jargons. You’d come up smelling like roses anytime – guaranteed!  

                        She thanked me profusely, whilst her mates were instigating future consultations with me. I demurely brushed off her tribute. Then they bid me goodbye. I had no idea that my family was within earshot of the whole drama, so when I turned around, I was pleasantly surprised to see five beaming faces. I could not help but feel my heart swell with extraordinary happiness. It was far better than being awarded a million bucks by a gorgeous prince. Then the enchantment bubble bursts, because just like my family, they were teasing me to death. We walked out the shop that day with so much bantering and merriment – belt forgotten. 

INSIGHT (Physical, Psychosocial, Ethical) (Discovery, Stimulus, Reinforcement) 

                        I do believe that we take our work for granted sometimes. Seemingly commonplace for us only becomes extraordinary when someone else genuinely appreciates it. This incident has made me look at myself in a different light – Back then, I was just Haidee Cruz, a mediocre, neo-physician going through life in a wonton trance. I had worked myself into believing that I had nothing unique to offer, and never hoped for anything exceptional to come my way. In other words, I was content to just being OKEY. Average – and nothing more. I’ve even envisioned scenes of eavesdropping on a tête-à-tête that goes something like this:”Yeah, that’s Dr. Cruz; sure she’s okey, she knows how to deal with an abscess just fine enough. But whoa boy! Don’t expect her to perform miracles. She can’t do the world-famous maneuver created by her junior colleague. You know, the E-E stratagem that makes a mutilated flesh appears like water mark on alabaster skin? Yeaaahhh that’s the one I’m talking about! Tsk…tsk…such pity.”  

                        Yes, I’ve always felt that no matter what I say or do, somehow, somebody else can do it much better; much faster; and with much superfluity of intellect than I could pull off. The worst thing is, somebody always is – much better, much faster, and has much more intellect – to boot! But I’ve realized the maxim of this little anecdote: I may not think much of myself, but somebody thinks much of me…even more.  And all of these has made me recognized my self-worth. 

                        Since time started trickling out the hour-glass of my life, whenever somebody appreciates my work, I shrug the merit off, lest they realize that anybody can get it done without much upheaval. Always feeling of not being entitled to the exaltation. Thinking that my meager effort does not stand well with the illustrious opinions of the great consultants. Admonishing myself for enjoying a sliver of compliment, because some Nobel-prized genius out there may be performing a break-through, life-saving brain transplant, who deserves the applause. 

                        This lady has made me comprehend that it is not sacrilegious to bask in the limelight. To embrace my self-worth! For how can you transcend the ordinary and onto something eminent for your patient, if you yourself don’t believe you’re commendable in the first place.